Facing My Fear

Trying desperately to have a new outlook on life. Please bear with me, as I undergo these changes. Too much in my head right now, just need to get it all out somewhere. I'm teaching myself how to paint in Photoshop - I started learning a few days ago. As I painted the only thing that even barely resembles something real - a scene of a stormy sea and sky - it started setting my imagination on fire. And today, I find myself getting lost among the pages of texts and pictures of the 18th century. How, in the world, did I wind up there? Well, imagination being what it is (at least mine anyways), with one thought leading to another and with my life in such a state of upheaval (at least it feels that way), I am finding myself creating a world for a story that I am going to write.

As crazy as this may sound, maybe if I tell you guys, that I am doing this, then I will actually do it. I have a really bad, bad habit of not finishing my stories (or even seriously working on them). It's not because I'm a lousy writer (I'm not), lazy (physically my body's done, but my mind is always active), shy (extremely, until you get to know me), or even because I'm a procrastinator (the best one still alive!). No, it's because I have been beaten down so much, that my fear of people, sometimes seems too great to overcome. Fear of rejection? Oh yeah, I got it, all right. Is this a "character defect"? I think so (beginning to see what some of mine are just writing this and understanding the term).

I don't remember where I read it - and I know there's a spot in the Bible about it, too - but the gist of it was this: Don't Waste Your Talent. So, I ask you, if there is something we are good at doing that is good for others, and we don't do it because of our own fears, then aren't we depriving others of something good? And I guess that that's where the Waste comes into effect. To think that if I had been able to face my fears long ago, I would be an accomplished author now, is mind-blowing to me.

So, to everyone who reads this little missive, please don't waste your talents like I have. My fears have cost me deeply in my life. I know what a monster fear can be, what it has kept me from doing and achieving. At least now, I am struggling to break out of my shell and bravely, if timidly, face the world. I have no idea where I will find myself when I shake the last piece of shell from my body, but at least I will have overcome my fear.

Blessings and Peace Always Everyone,
Bren